This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
