I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
