my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
