dude i'm inner monologue high
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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