You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
