So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Two words: nipple clamps
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