So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
