Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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