so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
