so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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