My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
