I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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