Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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