Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
