I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
