i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
