I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
