Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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