Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
