You can't motorboat a personality
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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