He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Enjoy the penises
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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