you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
