I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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