I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
