then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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