I smell stomach acid.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
