i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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