the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
