a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
