Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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