Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
