Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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