Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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