Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
