I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
