you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
