As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
