my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
