So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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