I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
