Your face is a jimmy john
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
