Just fell off a train. Bad.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
