I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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