In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
