I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
