This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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