If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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