i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
