M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
