he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
