I didn't shave. On purpose
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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