You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
